it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
I think they gave out some kind of ugly girl scholarship I don't know about...
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
Randomize
