Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
just peed in rthe mens room but seranaeded them with adelle the whole timee so they didnt mind
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
