thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
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