I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
I think you can do her, she seemed pretty set for revenge the second time her boyfrind high fives her in the face.
Oh and I found some acid for the drive back to school, productive day
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
Randomize
