So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
But break dance skills will only take you so far
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
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