Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
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I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
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With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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