dude i just saw the hottest 13 year old but she was kinda ghetto.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Randomize
