I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
Randomize
