He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
woke up in Sigma Chi. In his room. they are iniating pledges right now. Holy fucking shit mother of pearl.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
