You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
i think my tv is drunk
Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
Our suitemates are shrooming again. I left a less colorful dress hanging on the door, change before you come in because purple is making Maeve cry.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
