You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
all adderall does is make me the grand champion of using wikipedia.
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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