So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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