So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
Dude they have ski ball. Anywhere that has skiball is bound to be bangin.
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
I'm ultimately at thr Shariton to drink and ppssibly puke on fancy shit. Thats my story and Im sticking to it.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
