I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
