She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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