Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Randomize
