Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
What type of bandaid should I use on my clit
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
Randomize
