Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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