census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
Just had another dream about being on Real Chance of Love. I think it's a sign.
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
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