i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
Randomize
