Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
Am I a whore if I make out with a boy just so michelle can't?
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
want to meet me after class and possibly get arrested for indecent exposure?
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
I have no idea. But that is beside the point bc in vegas I'm a pro vball player from Ireland and a veterinarian on the weekends
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
