I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
I wish there were birth control emojis
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
Randomize
