what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
Randomize