i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
so when we got to the frat house he had a travel sized toothpaste and toothbrush for me and gave me a pair of his shorts and a girl's sorority t shirt...something tells me he's done this before
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
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