one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
You may now shotgun with the bride
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
Randomize
