forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
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