just tell him i said nine months
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
Randomize
