i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
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