Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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