someone threw a dead crab at me
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
Randomize
