im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
So much for not drinking this week after this weekend.. Congratulations. U made it until tuesday.
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
