the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
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Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
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Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
wow bdsm is so cute
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
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