i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
Help. Why am I so naked?
Randomize
