don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
would it be inappropriate to describe you with the phrase "bigass titties"?
i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
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