I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
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