The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
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I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
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