remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Randomize
