I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
I just showed my boobs to our astate representative hahahahahahha
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
of course we have a beer bong
how else would we feed our christmas tree
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
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