y did u give ur computer a hand job?
Dude they have ski ball. Anywhere that has skiball is bound to be bangin.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Randomize
