Was just hit on by a guy with 2 kids and one was named Rocky. I need to get out of Buena Park.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
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Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
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I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
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