so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
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