My boss' voice literally gives me gas
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
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