He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
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