The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was?
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
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