You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
Randomize
