I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
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