The best revenge is premature balding
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
Randomize
