I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
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