she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Randomize
