I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
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