Megan Fox is the only woman I would let pee on me.
I'm similar. She's the only woman I'd ask to pee on me.
Ok yeah you're right. I'd ASK Megan Fox to pee on me. I'd ALLOW Erin Andrews to pee on me if she asked.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
found the other keg... it's in the tree
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
just found the land before time on youtube... I'm so fucked for finals
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
Cassie is wearing a baseball cap. This rebound is going nowhere
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
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