I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
Never joke about your clitoris.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
