I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
yea ive hooked up with like half those guys
and i've hooked up with the other half...when our powers combine, we are captain slutbag
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Randomize
