I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
organizing the empties. That sober.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
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