I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
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