everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
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