dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
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not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
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