I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
but you must be fair and judge his penis by normal penis standards and not let your vision be clouded by the rare gem of a penis you have recently encountered
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
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