My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
Randomize
