I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
