Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
Without porn, I would have few hobbies.
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
Randomize
