The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
Randomize
