I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Randomize
