found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
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